What to Give the Person Who Has Everything

So you have a friend who has everything. They’re hard to shop for, right? Especially if you want to give them a gift that says something more than “look, I got you a gift!” As it happens, I have the solution for you.

About 10 years ago, I created a fake page at my long-neglected humor website called “Be a God”, and about a year later I decided it was worth doing for real. So now you can get your your friend their own Certificate of Deity and prove that they are a god or goddess. Now, where did such a nutty idea come from?

Well, it’s like this: back in 2001, I heard a radio report about Prince Dipendra of Nepal, who went nuts and shot his family and himself. According to the radio host, back when Dipendra was a student at Eton in England, he wanted to get out of attending chapel, so he had the religious leaders back home issue a statement that as a member of the royal family, he was considered a deity, and as such, shouldn’t have to attend a worship service for another deity. Clever, I thought.

Then I heard a commercial for one of those “star registry” companies that will “name a star” after somebody for only 50 bucks, a racket if I ever saw one. At that point I remembered the spam e-mails I get all the time offering me degrees from “prestigious non-accredited universities” and the one offering to make me an ordained minister in only 48 hours. Finally I put them all together in the only way possible, and came up with the Be a God certificate. It’s every bit as valid as the diploma, the star registry, and probably the ordination, and a lot cheaper.

You can make your dad the God of Steel-Belted Radials or your mom the Goddess of Knitting or your sister the Goddess of Soccer, or whatever is appropriate for them. What could be more perfect?

So order one already.

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  1. quiltzyx/sue

    Just don’t forget that the “Goddess of Quilting” position has already been filled.

  2. Jeff H.

    I usually just give those people food or liquor.

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